This week I was given a story. A story in the form of what the docs call "diagnosis".
For now, I choose to refer to it as:
"Invasive *&@^#%*!".
As I have begun the journey of meeting with the spectrum of docs and helping my son Tom, as he works through what it feels like for him. I have told a handful of close, enlightened friends (who know how to stream light and love without the ego of doubt, fear & drama interfering), as well as a few members of my family. In doing so, I find I have already gained a plethora of new perspectives.
I could feel right off the bat, my need for sacred sanctuary, where God and I together can heal me in ways we both agree on. I need to be able to be in this sacred space every moment possible. I have all the tools I need already within me to clear and collect the lessons related to what this truly is all about. In order for this to happen I really heard the words when my doc, who is a dear friend said: "You have "Invasive *&@^#%*!", and I want you to know that we are going to get through this together".
I accept that I get to walk a storyline for a while, but I cannot validate the cultural charge to all the language connected to the name of this condition I am currently experiencing.
I heard my body, almost immediately, tell me to soften my surroundings; to create a sacred buffer for my holy place of sanctuary with God, and Tom of course.
Actually, my sister Jeanie heard my body calling first, and followed her intuition that led her to the hospital where I was for tests late last week. A day or so later, while waiting for the final word, she showed up, with laptop in hand, to hang out at my house for a few days, just so I could know that she already knew too, and would be there with me when the docs said it out loud.
Since I was born, Jeanie (who is 10 years older than me), was the sibling that would grab me and snuggle me into her bed with her on a Saturday morning. Her face lit up whenever I saw her, during our growing up years. In a large family, where I was fairly invisible, I knew she esteemed herself my mamma!
I was cool with playing the roll of babydoll to my 12 year old sister. In fact, this past week, I overheard her telling one of the nurses that she just had to come down, she used to change my diapers, and just couldn't miss being there with me.
Even into our adult years, she has taken Tom under her wing, taught him how to ski, cooked him dinners, and cozied up with him on her couch when he was little, just as she did with me. These days, each time I call her, she answers her phone with an ecstatic: "HI SWEETIE!"
So I was clear, as text messages, phone calls and email started to roll in, that Jeanie would be my buffer. Not to keep out love, support or concern; but to allow me to create the quiet space for myself where I could really feel the love coming to me, and use it in my healing, without having to tell my story over and over to my dear family, which would bring in more of the highly charged words describing what I am experiencing and what to expect from it all.
When my tests were complete, and Jeanie and I could feel where It was heading, I called my Bishop (clergy), and asked him to administer to me a blessing of healing. I loved that the oil he used to anoint my head was consecrated in the Garden of Gethsemane, at the foot of the Mount of Olives; an inspired act of forethought on a recent trip to Jerusalem. He told me that my body had been prepared and strengthened in preparation for this experience (I love a good bishop who has watched me on my yogic path with appreciation, rather than suspicion)...and then he blessed my son, a strong young man now, who was already feeling the weight of it all.
In my community, my church family is called a "Ward". In a ward, (like most church communities) everybody eventually knows everything, and rolls out the bandwagon, like pioneers crossing the plains with hands of helpfulness.
One of the truest friends I have ever had is Kathy, she is in my church family. Kathy has shown up on my door with wheatgrass juice in a champagne flute, first thing in the morning. She has called Tom over to help her tinker on her motorcycle, and always helps me find the biggest bang for our buck for Tom on the Fourth of July. Most times Kathy and I are together, we end up in wild laughter over a mixture of something we have observed that is both oblivious, obvious and ridiculous.
So today in my peeled-open and vulnerable place, she agreed wholeheartedly to be my buffer with my ward family. If anyone at church wants to come squeeze my arm, wink or smile at me, or even high five, feel free, I'd love it! But if anyone wants to come up and tell me about the latest miracle cure, or multi-level marketing company that will surely save my life, or is curious to know the details about what our culture calls: "Invasive *&@^#%*!", or asks me how I am feeling, I will simply say, with love in my heart: "I don't know, you'll have to ask Kathy."
And then there is my life's work and my beloved, enlightened yogis, who come and go from my Thai Office and The Bodhi Yoga Center, (which with all your ongoing support, I lovingly created for us), as well as our valued Online Community of 3500 (or so) long-distance yogis who are like minded, goodhearted souls.
Today, amidst the phone, and text, and facebook posts (I removed until I was ready to put this out there on my own terms). In my gut-check day, I met with Frank, for our weekly Thai Partner Yoga Session. I was grateful for the chance to work on him, and apreciated his willingness to let me be "the giver" for a couple of hours and feel the healing energy, for him, move through me, on such a day. Doing this kind of work for a living blesses me in so many ways as I share with others.
Mid-session, I was doing light acupressure on his hand, and felt Rex's presence enter into the room. Frank's hand that I was holding, felt like Rex's hand, so clearly in its shape, temperature and texture, that I know so well from working on him . In fact I found I had to open my eyes and look. The two hands, I felt at the same time indistinguishable, yet both there together. I felt Rex saying to me: "I am gonna lend you my hand, all the way, my dear." I could also feel Frank's desire to do so too, which he almost immediately verbalized.
So later this evening, when I got home, I called and started to ask him to be my buffer with my beloved yogis, and before I got the sentence out, I heard a resounding "YES! I'll do it. I'll do it." Years ago, Frank was in my Bishopric at church, we have known each other for a longtime, really long in the existential sense. We met up again recently, and I have watched in admiration as this 60 year young man enrolled in the Bodhi Yoga Teacher Certification course and took off on the Yogic path like greased lightening. It was all I could do to get out of his way as he began teaching classes to youth in our local Juvenile Detention Center...delightful.
Frank will be my Yoga family buffer, to update and field concerns and wishes to and from me for members of my local yoga family at frankballard@gmail.com
To my long distance yoga family in 18 countries and nearly all 50 states in the US, I would ask that you just follow this blog for information on how I am ,"bodhi", mind and spirit and continue to support Bodhi Yoga in ways that feel right for you! I may even share a few lessons as we go along, through the online yoga center about to launch. Feel free to post comments that support my intention for full circle healing.
The word buffer that I am using in this post is in no way to keep the love and support out. The three lovely buffers here called Jeanie, Kathy and Frank, (as well as the many teachers at Bodhi Yoga), will be the ones that can talk with you all about what our culture calls: "Invasive *&@^#%*!". To me the name doesn't matter to anyone but me and my docs. Dwelling on the name, and all it presumably means, has nothing to do with the healing, and I need your support with very pure, healing energy, faith and prayers sent my way.
In a note to the Bodhi Yoga Teachers I wrote last night these words: "I plan to continue with Trainings, Yoga Classes, Jamie will handle Bodhi Yoga's private Thai Partner Yoga work. I want everyone at yoga to know that they are free to come share love, hugs, light and strong Prana. I just don't want to repeat updates or stories back and fourth, as that expands energy of what our culture calls: "Invasive *&@^#%*!"
The condition has already told me what it is...It is what we call INVASIVE. So I am trying to hear that right off the bat and negate overload. I am just doing my best to honor the request that my body has already cashed in on.
For me at this point it is to create a parameter of just three people, who fully support my intention, that I have to tell the story to in any way shape or form. They'll pass on anything related back and fourth as necessary to you my "families". This will allow me to, first protect my son from having to hear, read, focus and worry on an endless stream of conversations that describe Invasive *&@^#%*! and second, focus my energy on healing full time, and creating a reality where it is already in place for myself, my son and my families.
Of all the highly charged words related to "Invasive *&@^#%*!", the one I chose to honor is the word: "Invasive". My body has put my life on the line, to help me in no uncertain terms put an end to being invaded upon in any way. No more allowing my ideas, work, energy and image to be invasively profited from without conscience by others. No more quietly accepting condescension combined with vindictiveness. No more saying yes, or that's okay, when I mean no. It is time to set the invasive areas, associations, and expectations free, to be themselves somewhere other than manifesting through the tissues of my body.
I have no doubt, that right now, I am pure and simple, just living the lesson I will learn next. I give no energy to the past, as I set it free, and I worry not for the future, as right now, in this moment, all is incredibly well within my soul.
I send my love and blessing to all of my families and thank you so sincerely for every kindness, prayer-filled and faithful thought.
I remind you that what I know so far is, that the play-by-play, dramatic details, we tend to get sucked into dwelling on in situations like this, though gossip and drama, only serve to expand the energy of disharmony, but the bigger picture, and higher purposes are more vast, and love encompassed than any of us can fully comprehend.
Words cannot express my love for each of you. You have an immeasurable meaning and place in my life. I love you dearly, and will continue to lean on and be supported by the loving breezes you are sending my way. I can feel your glow, and Tom and I thank you for it.
Namaste
Syl
