Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Seventy Times Seven

In the past month I’ve been continuing to heal from the residual effect of treatments from a year long conversation with invasive breast cancer, and sitting with the concept of forgiveness.  

My thoughts have turned to the young woman gang raped in India, the way her story has made it across the globe so quickly, and the ways in which the truth spreads faster today than ever before.

I think of the ancient prophecy, that in the last days “our secrets shall be shouted from the rooftops”.  Hmmmmm, who knew that WE would be the ones shouting them by satellite and social media.  Yet in shouting our truth so freely, the very truths that set us free, can also so very quickly bind us.

My truth is that I have experienced much in this life, I have been hurt, I have hurt others and also know much of healing hurt and the paths of forgiveness.

As a child I had to forgive more than one person who raped me, so when I heard about the woman in India and watched her story spread across the globe, I thought of myself as a child going through something no less intense, save the death she met.  I've contemplated my path, of living through what felt like a soul death; how I had to forgive what was happening to me immediately in order to distance myself from the reality of it.  I used forgiveness to checkout, to glaze over, to hide.  

It has taken many years to come to peace.  

In doing my best to grow into full womanhood, I have had to own every bit of the hurt which the circumstances of my childhood brought up.  As a young girl in elementary school who had such trouble focusing, and could only find real friendship among other children my age who had been marginalized in some way; and as a young woman in high school, who had to be the most lovely and simultaneously the most unapproachable.   

In college and adulthood I had to be the one who could see what everyone else could not.  To point out the higher meaning of things.   To make use of an acute intuition that branched out the hyper-vigilance of someone who never wanted to be raped by anyone else again.

For a child and young woman who has experienced rape, in the climax of the unspeakable moment, the only thing the feminine soul can to hang onto is the paradox of irreconcilable physical pain and horror, and the Grace of God that descends to comfort her in the betrayal of her body’s reaction, as the very best, most sacred thing she will ever have to give another person is ripped from her.  

In the darkest space imaginable, she finds also there, an open channel, a ministering of the reality of God’s witness and love, in a sickening moment that feels as though it will never end...

In healing from rape, that was the moment I chose to keep with me.  It is the open channel to the reality of God’s stream of ministering in our worst moments, that can heal us and that healed me; and it is the clear witness I am able to bear here, in this moment to you.

In one of the greatest of God’s tender mercies to me, I’ve found wonderful healing along the paths of yoga, where for the first time in my life I embraced my body, and my womanhood.  Within my yoga study I found the Chakras, and began an amazing seven tiered study and practice that healed the horrific sorrow in my cells and opened up the intuitive wisdom of the heavens to work the power of the Atonement in me, to the extent that I’ve been healed beyond reason, or understanding.  I can honestly say, from the clearest spaces in my soul, that the shroud of stolen innocence, power and connection has been fully lifted from my frame.

During this healing path I was invited to share the power of the chakras on behalf of others.   I love teaching the seven tiered path of the chakras, and know firsthand how to access that open channel though the darkest, most closed off places within us.  

For me, real and honest healing occurs when we use the depths of resistance (in the words of the poet David Whyte), as our “dream ladder to divinity”.   Through my study and practice of the Chakras, I used the worst moment a woman can experience, to tap into a natural intuitive and visionary gift I was born with.  God sent me here with an open channel, and acute intuition, to not only survive some of the toughest experiences He has to offer, but to use this channel of His hidden truths to stand and witness to others in a unique and healing way.

Over the long run of my recovery, I was asked to share the knowledge and wisdom of chakra healing by someone who knew my story, and invited me to facilitate in a project that would benefit others.  The collaboration has turned out to be yet another experience where I have again learned to explore the value in forgiving Seventy times Seven. 

The outcome of what we did together, has resulted in my image and ideas being profited from in a way that has proved to be invasive.  It took many years of trying to simply forgive again and again, before we would speak face to face, honestly.   

Over the course of this experience, my body took in all the truths I could not speak, and turned the time grieving this expereince into invasive breast cancer.  This part of the outcome, is in no way, the fault of the individuals who claim my healing as their own, this is what my body did with the words, I myself, could not say, to ears that could not hear.

I’ve done my best to own it, to be honest, to speak my truth directly to her.  Through my personal study of Seventy Times Seven, I understand that for the same reason my cells are sensitive to invasive people, they are also open to channel the healing it takes to repeatedly let go.  

It's in my letting go and letting God, that the Divine wisdom, which moves through us both will bring a rebalance.  When I hold onto my secrets of hurt, with regard to someone else's, I face the insurmountable odds of moving heaven and earth back in to balance, all by myself.  The only thing I really need do, is stand in the place of witness, a witness that is there for so many others to also see...and the healing will take care of the rest. Through this practice, I’ve learned in so many ways to honor my sensitivity, and to send a witness of love and light, in the limited ways I am able. When I approach forgiveness in this way I hold her in gentle witness, from as honest a space possible, rather than remain hurt.  Holding in this way can feel, somewhat, like tough love to both of us; yet it is the truth that sets us free.

Recently, the basis of my chakra work has been manipulated and marketed into seem as if it is someone else’s idea entirely.    Yet the rebalance of the energy of the truth in forgiveness is beyond the glazing of pain into forgetfulness.  Honesty within the challenges on the spectrum of accountability, can be the most difficult, but worthy, aspect in the conversation we all share, when It comes to real and lasting forgiving. Honesty with ourself, in both the harm we cause, as well as those we seek to forgive, is such an important ingredient which sets us both free.  Free to work out our journey, free to create our karma, clear of one another.  And so to honor my Dharma with the chakra healing work I do, to honor my body who's cancer cells need not fret, to honor my truth and my witness, I speak here.

It would be impossible to speak of these unspeakable things, without recalling a quiet moment sitting with Rex.  He knew my journey, and would not stand by and watch my healing from an insulated distance.  He made it his life’s work to go with countless women and men, into the shroud of the stolen soul.  He will be loved beyond measure for who he was, and remains, in a more infinite way today.  I find such a sacred irony, that since the moment of his passing, that same channel that flows through me, also affords my senses an awareness of his continual presence. 

One evening, long before his passing, I was speaking to him of the story of Jesus clearing the money changers from the temple, in comparison to the arduous journey of recovering from rape.  I explained that the chakra healing I was doing, felt like the Lord’s clearing of that sacred house. The power in his husky arms increased around me, as Rex held me tight, on his green leather couch in the office we shared.  In the heat of his whisper in my ear, I felt his kind, deep, words permeate through my body, as he said:

“Syl, YOU are the temple”

So for my part, I continue on this chakra journey of forgiving Seventy Times Seven.

I continue to learn the reality, and hidden wisdom of God’s eternal gaze and love, and the importance of keeping a clear channel for it’s witness to perpetually pour through me and witness the reality of it to pour through YOU, whatever intense circumstances may come your way.

The following poem was written as my Christmas gift to Rex in 2000; my thank you to him, for helping my eyes adjust to the light along my healing path, entitled "I'm a Lotus".  The lotus is a flower that rises from a foundation of dark, dankness, blossoming at the surface of light.  It is the symbol of the Crown Chakra that expands into infinite connection, while nourishing itself from roots in the murkiest of waters:

I'm A Lotus

Those who take
Stealing petals of my blossom

Awakening beauty 
to bury only in weeds and mud

Lost in the annihilation of my soul
Ignorant of peace

He breathes life to my heart
held on paths unknown

Casting off the money changers 
in softest word's warmth
whispered through my ear

"You are the Temple"

Copyright © 2000 by Syl Carson and White Mountain Yoga L.L.C All Rights Reserved