I took my son trick or treating this evening. As he is getting older (6th grade now) I agreed to hang back a bit.A little over a year ago, his best friend, Zach moved away. I was also very close with Zach's mom. Halloween is one time when they are missed the most, because our tradition was to visit in her culdesack while Zach's Dad, Jeffery, escorted the all the kids on their trick or treat beat.
Last year Tom chose not to go, it just wouldn't be the same without Zach. This year he was geared up to participate in the festivities solo. He had it all mapped out in his head. I would sit tight at strategic locations close by while he went into three adjacent neighborhoods close to home, excited to be on his own.
Northgate is part of our church community called a "Ward", Vintage is a further branch of that and Stonegate another. Stonegate is a gated community where some of his classmates live, as well as his football coach, a great guy, who Tom has come to admire very much.
So as we finished the rounds, with just Stonegate left, it was clear he had been ok, but still missing Zach. I parked my car at the entrance of the gated community, and watched as Tom cruised on his long-board in full Halloween regalia.
I try to put feelings I have aside about gated communities. But I often find myself in contemplation on how so many of us (myself included) spend a huge amount of effort, resources and energy into creating a sense of immunity. Trying to stay neutral, I admittedly have still found myself observing a rare breed behind many a gate, be it at the Zoo or "gated communities" such as this.
These feelings tend to prick my consciousness into self-reflection as I often pass by Stonegate in my everyday comings and goings, with neighbors and friends. As I cruise by, I reflect on where in my own life I am investing too much energy into creating immunity from others, or just holding back my responsibility to fully participate with the experiences of life, unfiltered by rose (or in this case, limestone) covered glasses.
Separateness is such an illusion, and it has lead to more suffering in the name of God and immunity, than any other aspect of Human Consciousness.
Heavy thinking for Halloween, I know, but spurred by Tom's return to the car. When he rode up to the car, I asked: "So was it as great as you hoped, did you get to say hi to coach, and see some of your classmates from school?"
Tom said: "No, coach wasn't home, and most of the houses I knocked at asked if I lived in Stonegate and when I said no, they told me to go."
I asked in disbelief: "Grown-ups said that?"
He said: "Yes. Most of them, but there was a really nice lady too, who gave me candy and asked my last name."
Even though Tom wasn't put off at all, (he has a really beautiful "live and let live" spirit about him). My heart sank so low, as he told me of grown men, who have been blessed with incredible monetary means, turning away an 11 year old boy over a fifty cent piece of candy.
Tom never saw my eyes fill with tears on our drive back home. The experience stirred up such deep emotion in me. So many sad feelings: Not just that 85% of the homes he went to behind those gates didn't give him candy (who cares), but sad that my son had to see the afrontedness of people, with so much potential, yet such unfortunate behavior.
I guess, what made me feel so sad was tonight my son had to learn, that there are grown ups in the world, who have gated themselves into immunity from kindness and the celebration of a child's heart.
On our drive home I explained that if we let ourselves get angry or hurt over something like that, then we are passing judgment on them, we are creating our own immunity, and gating ourselves up, in a way that's not seen by the eye, but is really harmful for us.
Tom said: "I know mom".
He knew I needed those words more than he did.
Such a valuable experience, such a valuable lesson.
